


Belonging Between

by janetcarter



Category: His Dark Materials (TV)
Genre: Gen, Growing Up, Injury, Pre-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-10
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-14 11:27:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28669968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/janetcarter/pseuds/janetcarter
Summary: Tony grapples with what it means to no longer be a kid, but not yet being an adult either.
Relationships: Lyra Belacqua & Tony Costa, Ma Costa & Tony Costa
Kudos: 6
Collections: Bad Things Happen Bingo





	Belonging Between

**Author's Note:**

> For the Bad Things Happen Bingo prompt "Big Brother Instinct."

Lyra, Billy, and the other kids were runnin' around again by the docks, shriekin' in laughter and chasin' each other. Tony sat on the edge of the boat watching them while whittlin' a little wooden bird for his ma. She probably had enough of 'em by now, but she acted all happy whenever he handed her a new one.

"It's precious," she'd say, holding it close and lookin' at it like it was somethin' from a museum.

"It's nothin'," he'd respond, lookin' at his shoe and tryin' not to smile.

"Chin up, Tony." Her hand was gentle beneath his chin, guiding him to look in her bright eyes. He couldn't help smiling, then, seein' the way she proudly grinned. She looked back to the bird, studying every little mark. "You've got real talent in ya. Don't ever let yourself believe otherwise, you understand?"

"Yes, ma."

He overheard her, sometimes, when he was supposed to be asleep. Lord Faa would visit their boat for tea past his and Billy's bedtimes and she'd talk in hushed tones about adult things he wasn't supposed to hear. Things about him, about Billy, and about Asriel and Lyra Belacqua.

One particular night she voiced her worries about losing Tony to age. He was getting older, not too close to adulthood yet but close enough to keep her up at night. Lord Faa would reassure her about it being an exciting time, how they'd all find out what Lyuba would settle as. It was a beginning, he said, not an end.

Through the crack in the door, he could see her fidgeting with one of his wooden birds. "I just hope he doesn't forget his old ma when he sets off."

He would never dream of leaving her behind, and he'd let her know it too if it didn't mean givin' himself away. But… she wasn't wrong. He'd started changing, whether he'd wanted to or not. And as much as he hoped other people hadn't noticed it, everything he was insecure about was apparently all his ma could think about. It was embarrassing, if he was honest, but it also made him feel guilty. He wanted to tuck himself under the covers of his bed and never come out. He wanted to go back to being one of those kids runnin' around the docks.

Speaking of, he looked back up from his carving just in time to see one of the kids shove Lyra down against the planks. He knew from experience she'd have a skinned knee, a bad one, too, especially with all the crooked nails.

He wasn't a kid anymore, but he wasn't an adult, either. He'd always been a big brother, though, and that meant something.

He jumped down onto the docks with Lyuba flying ahead and jogged to Lyra, who was tryin' to pretend it wasn't as bad as it was. He caught her arm just as she lunged at the kid who'd done it.

"Go home or I'm tellin' Lord Faa what you done," Tony warned him. That was enough to send him running. "You okay, Lyra?"

She pulled her arm back. "I'm fine. Doesn't hurt."

He could see the blood drippin' down her leg. "C'mon, I'll get you a bandage."

"It's not bad," she argued. She seemed to have gotten shorter, lately, or maybe Tony had gotten taller. It made it hard to take her seriously when she crossed her arms and puffed her cheeks. It was hard to keep track of all the kids' ages but she was hardly three years younger than him. Only now it felt like ten. 

"Billy?"

Billy sighed. "I'll get it."

"Thanks," he said, patting Billy's arm as he ran off to the boat. If Lyra wouldn't budge, he could bring a bit of care to her instead. "Now look, Lyra, I know you wanna keep playin', but you gotta look after yourself."

She wouldn't even look at him. "'S not a big deal. I get worse all the time runnin' around Jordan 'n' my uncle never bats an eye."

Tony had heard things about Asriel that already made him mad, but hearing that just made him even angrier. He cleared his throat. "You know, one time I got a scrape on this same dock and my leg got _so_ infected they almost had to cut it off."

"I don't believe you." Right, he reminded himself. She was almost 8, not 4.

"You really wanna take that chance?" he asked. "And never be able to run around ever again?"

Her daemon, a little weasel on her shoulder, whispered something to her. She let out a huff. "Fine, but only 'cause you're so annoying about it."

Billy brought out the bandages and ointment and, since she'd refused to go onto the boat where there was furniture, Tony had her sit on a crate as he tended to her knee.

"You know," said Tony, being as careful as he could. Whittlin' little wooden sculptures helped steady his hands in a way his ma would probably be proud of if she wasn't busy on another boat. She always thanked him for doin’ the same with Billy. He didn’t need thanks, though, he was just doin’ what was right. "Just 'cause your… just 'cause your uncle doesn't think it's a big deal when you get hurt, it doesn't mean he's right."

"Um, my uncle is the smartest person in the whole world!" She probably would've tackled him for that remark if she weren't wincing beneath the ointment. He gave himself another minute to finish up in self defense.

Her "uncle" was an absent deadbeat, but crushing her faith in him would be like trying to convince his ma he was bad at something. It also wouldn't be fair. That was a topic for adults, and Lyra wasn't an adult. "Nah, I don't think he's smarter than you."

She scrunched up her face in thought. "You might be onto somethin'."

"And since you're so smart, you're going to take your injuries seriously, alright?"

She narrowed her eyes. "Are you done yet?"

"Lyra."

"Fine, yeah. I will."

"Good." As soon as he placed the bandage on she bolted to where the other kids had resumed playing. He missed being that young, even if it was only a few years' time away. He missed bein' Billy's age, too young to stay up late listenin' in on his mother's secrets.

But he didn't think he would go back, if he had the choice. Everything was simpler back then because bein' a kid meant seein' the world in a light so bright it blinded him to everythin' else. It felt like every new week he gained new clarity he hadn't been able to see before, and even though sometimes that meant livin' with burdens and responsibilities no kid should…

Sometimes bein' a big brother was like that, and he liked bein' a big brother.

Lyuba shifted into a hawk and perched on his shoulder. It wasn't easy bein' older than the other kids. It also wasn't easy bein' too young to fit in with the adults. But he thought he could get used to this, bein' between worlds, if only for a little while. 


End file.
